September 27, 2023
I have a theory.
When we criticize or judge others, we are harsher when the situation/trait/person under judgment is something we fear in ourselves.
These days, I take a good look at what is really bothering me about the person or situation I'm feeling judgmental about. I keep finding over and over again that the underlying cause of the judgment is two-fold:
The situation I'm judging is something I consider part of my dark side; or
I'm afraid of becoming the person I'm judging.
Let me start with a couple of fairly innocuous, but potentially common, examples.
If I think poorly of someone's choice of clothes at a high fashion event (I don't go to high fashion events, so this is clearly not a real example 😁), then I might be afraid that people think that way about my choice of clothing (item 2 above), and are judging me as well.
There was a time before I had children that I thought "I would never let my kids do that" - in reference to something or other that someone else's child was doing. That could be anything from letting my kids have all the screen time they want (this certainly happens today, especially post pandemic), to grocery store tantrums - or whatever you can imagine your own childless self thinking. The reality is that I was terrified (again, fear) of being a bad parent to my non-existent children.
The dark side situation is a bit more complex, and not so innocuous. It also brings more difficult feelings to comprehend and process.
We once had a very scary crime in our neighborhood. We've been living in this neighborhood at this point almost a decade, and it's a fairly standard, middle-income, suburban American neighborhood. Without going into the gory details, my first reaction to the incident was shock and confusion at how someone could do something so awful. I was angry and upset - and highly judgmental for a long period of time. Most of all, I was in disbelief.
However, upon further reflection, and without really knowing these people or their situation at all, I realized that someone as plain vanilla as myself could also potentially lose my sense of normalcy and cause harm to others. While I likely will never commit a heinous crime, my judgment very likely stemmed from a deep core sense of the possibility that I may not be so different from the perpetrator. I wasn't necessarily identifying with a criminal, but there was some part of me that could act the same as those people whose behaviors I judge.
Ironically, this last piece of self-revelation actually came during a year where I was focused on self-compassion. Somehow, my (continuing) journey through being kinder to myself in general resulted in finding potential dark sides to be kind to as well. There are no bad parts, as Dr. Richard Schwartz will tell you.
Now, I am not judging you for judging nor am I judging myself. I am training myself to become less judgmental, and it's sometimes an uphill battle, but judging is a very human characteristic. IMHO, the less you judge, the more objective you can be about the present moment, and understand situations and people as they really are. The goal is to live with your eyes wide open, and not let judgments cloud seeing things simply as they exist, not good, nor bad. Whether you agree or not, I'd love to hear from you.
Apparently, this isn't my theory alone. After writing this post, I did a quick Google search and see that others talk about similar. Sharing a few links here, if anyone is interested. Happy reading and reflecting!
https://sholarichards.com/judging-others/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-eating-disorders/202110/why-do-we-judge-other-people
https://markmanson.net/how-we-judge-others